Grace San Diego

You're on the way to the grocery store with the children in tow. You've got a three year old with an attitude and a five year old with an agenda; namely, "What's in this trip for me"? Your agenda: To have a reasonably event free marketing experience. But, you're quite sure that isn't going to happen. The kids are acting like, well, they're acting like kids. You want them to behave themselves in the store, but your hopes are fading that will happen as the eldest yells at his little brother, "Tommy, I'm gonna get you if you look at me one more time!"

This scene is played out daily for Mom's all over America. However, how these life details are handled each day will directly impact the quality of life your child will have as an adult. If child rearing were simply a matter of parental survival, it would be easy. But, it's not. Because we deeply love our children, our goal is to raise responsible adults.

The Embarrassment Factor: Back to the grocery store...

You have an incredible opportunity to shape these little lives in a profound way. It's not about you simply "surviving" the experience. As your older son, Billy is pulling Fruit Loops and Gummy Bears off the shelf in response to the latest Saturday morning television commercials, toddler Tommy is whining and struggling to get out of the cart. You are tempted to open the Gummy Bears and quiet Tommy by stuffing his little mouth to the brim. And, you're about ready to purchase just about anything Billy wants just to keep him happy. You've just surrendered to what I call, "The Embarrassment Factor".

When parenting becomes a defense of the parent's image and a means to maintain peace in every situation, the child's heart has become a tool in the hands of a "flesh driven" parent. Humans behave differently in front of society. We put on a show of strength or softness not usually exhibited in the privacy of our homes. Our children see us act inconsistently and they take advantage of the situation by acting out. There is nothing more important than doing the right thing, the thing that builds character in your child. It doesn't matter what the neighbors think or if your grocery shopping is incomplete. What matters most is your child and what he is learning about life.

A False Premise: Character comes through conformity

Many people believe the false premise that effective parenting is simply getting our children to conform to our directives. Yet conformity alone does not produce character. This frequently used premise will inevitably produce three inappropriate approaches to child rearing.

First, it will demand forced confrontation. It is easy to justify coming down hard or even manipulating your children to behave since your ultimate goal is to get them to simply conform to your rules. Often, the child does not even understand the reason they need to behave.

Secondly, it may spark pejorative punishment. Pejorative or harsh words and actions depreciate the child and diminish her feelings of self-worth. It may motivate her to obey in the moment, but it can break her spirit. Parents who resort to name-calling do not realize the incredible wounds that take place in the soul of the child they love so much. The parent becomes motivated by their own need to be accepted by others or to control their child.

The third approach is the power struggle. Power struggles usually decline into threats and manipulation. Much of what my children have failed to learn as children, they are now having to learn as adults. That is directly due to the fact that as a young father, my teaching stopped when conformity was achieved. Using this false premise, all I needed was to get them to conform and my job was done.

A True Premise: Character comes through consistency and understanding

To raise our children with character, we must base our discipline on an accurate premise. Establishing authority is essential, however it becomes destructive when it is used incessantly. The child must understand that the consequences for inappropriate behavior are logical. Responsible authority is achieved when one area of discipline is followed consistently until the child understands the inevitable consequences and obeys without harsh words, power struggles or force.

Recently, a friend of mine took her young son to the barber. It was that awful moment when a boy has to have a stranger mess with his hair. Some kids don't realize the difference between having their hair cut, and having their arm cut. It's scary stuff; I still struggle a little. Anyway, halfway through the haircut he changed his mind about being compliant and decided to make a scene. He began to cry and throw a tantrum. That mother had a decision to make: Force him to conform or teach him how to mature. The embarrassment of the moment could have motivated a need to prove the power she had over her son. However, she decided to teach him the connection between behavior and consequence. She informed her son after one warning that they were going straight home and the previously agreed to treat (aka bribe) would not be realized. On the way out, the little boy shouted loudly enough to be heard in three states, "I changed my mind!" Too late...he went home and spent some time in solitary confinement. (An appropriate consequence to his social disruption.) The father came home that night and saw his beautiful son with a half shaved head and realized the little boy had experienced a "teaching moment".

What motivates your child rearing? Embarrassment? A desire to "survive" their childhood...or, a clear commitment to raising a mature adult? Set your heart on the picture of your child as an adult and ask, "Is my child rearing producing character or simply conformity?" Their discipline is not about you; it's about them. True maturity is much more than conforming to a set of standards. It is character development that comes slowly through the messy transactions of failure and success day after day.

Your kids are acting like kids, because they are kids. What if they learn to conform, but never develop character? Producing adults with character is difficult and painful, but rewarding. I hope to see more of your kids running around town with half shaved heads!

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